Is it too much to ask that people show up to meetings on time? Is it too much to ask that software developers care about craft? Is it too much to ask for an honest politician? Is it too much to ask that drivers drive as if they were sharing the road? Is it too much to ask that immigrants learn how to speak English?
Here’s how to tell whether you’re asking too much: How do you feel when you don’t get it?
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URLI think so, in some way. The nature and intensity of the bad feeling gives clues about the nature of “too much.” Do you feel disappointed? A little sad? Frustrated? Enraged? Humiliated? Betrayed? Self righteous?
this is why eventually you just learn not to ask anymore.
… or to ask out loud. Or to ask differently. Or to do something other than asking, or in addition to asking… or …
I like examples, so here’s one. Only you responded to my email about the testing subconf. program. I feel disappointed, frustrated, self-righteous, and also, not all that bothered because really, I can only suggest things but can’t control anyone. (but if I COULD control the world things would be different!) :->
Well… I think it depends. If I ask you to get off my foot, and you don’t, anger might provide enough energy to push you off… as for other things, I think it depends on how much you want other people to control your life.
Good question, Dale. I like it. The answer to “How do you feel about feeling that way?” may yield additional, and perhaps more relevant, information.
I think one needs to make the distinction between requests and demands when asking. You can distinguish between the two by what happens (how you feel) when you or someone else says “No.” Receiving or making a request has a quality of greater ease or spaciousness. A demand feels more tense or charged. Awareness and connection with the underlying need(s) behind the asking also participate in the equation. I enjoy the way that NVC (Non-Violent Communication) thinks about this stuff.
Depends. What are you gonna do about it if you don’t get what you’re asking for?
So if I feel bad that I didn’t get what I asked, did I ask too much, or not?