Permission to Help | Dale H. Emery

One of the most important elements of a helping relationship is permission to help. This applies to all kinds of helping relationships: coaching, consulting, teaching, psychological counseling, medical practice. If you don't give me permission to help you, it's dangerous for me to imagine that we have a helping relationship at all.

I've learned that if I am to help someone, I must first secure the person's permission to help. That's easy when someone asks for help. But what about if someone simply describes a frustrating problem? Is that a request for help? I say no. I've learned that permission must be explicit, and must be continually renegotiated after it's given, because:

Your experiencing pain does not necessarily mean that you see the pain as a problem.
Your having a problem does not necessarily mean that you want help.
Your wanting help does not necessarily mean that you want my help.
Your wanting my help does not necessarily mean that you want my help right now.
Your wanting my help does not necessarily mean that you want the kind of help I'm offering.
Your wanting my help right now does not necessarily mean that you will want my help tomorrow, or three minutes from now.

If I want to help, I must repeatedly make sure I have your permission at all of these levels.